Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
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