im having a threesome with these popsicles
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
