I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Randomize
