So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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