Soap is not a condiment
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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