I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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