I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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