I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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