I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
