I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
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