God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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