this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
