I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
