I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
