Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
