if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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