your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
