why didn't you poke me back
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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