Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Randomize
