it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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