god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
