hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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