I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
