this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
