I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize