hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
