It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
