Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
