I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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