I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
