oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
