I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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