The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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