i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
