Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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