my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
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