The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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