Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I wish you could order shots online.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
