I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
