Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
