i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
