He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
