I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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