The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
