I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize