god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
