i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
