Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
