I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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