I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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