At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
