Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Randomize
