My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
