Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I'm like, not good at living.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
