I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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