Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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