he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
