I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
So. Much. Porn.
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