You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
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