You're a womanizer and a bitch.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
