I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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