Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You are the jesus of drinking
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
