my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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