Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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