I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
