I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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